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BOTD 01-25-13 Run Away Ralph A DMK Production

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1 BOTD 01-25-13 Run Away Ralph A DMK Production on Thu Jan 24, 2013 9:27 pm

Skater


Bransom Postmaster
RUN AWAY RALPH

A DMK Production


Your eleven year old son, Ralph, and your spouse had an argument over his chores not being done. Ralph got angry and cursed at your spouse. Ralph was told he would be spanked for it. As your spouse went to get the paddle, Ralph "ran away."

You got a frantic call at work from your spouse saying that Ralph was missing. The story was related to you and your spouse claims to have looked everywhere and is about to call the police. Apparently Ralph has been missing for a little over an hour.

You are able to get away from work. You also know your son and his hangouts very well. Sure enough, you go to what you know he calls his "thinking spot" and he is there. You call your frantic spouse to say Ralph is found but you and he are going to have a talk for a while before coming home.


Ralph - 11 (At his thinking spot)

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What are the results of your talk with Ralph?


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Kat


Editor Extraordinaire
The results will depend on how the talk goes. Ralph has a side of the story that I need to hear. He ran away, which may have been an attempt at manipulation; but it may also have been because he was truly upset. The adult is not always right in every conflict between an adult and a child.

Having said all that, I think the likely result will be Ralph getting his spanking from me before he comes home. Even if the spanking is deserved, I think it will be better for everyone if the parent who is not overwrought takes care of it. I hope that by the time we get home, both Ralph and my spouse will have calmed down and be ready to reconcile.

Kat

AFinch


Sherrif
I'm glad Ralph is OK.

He and I need to have a talk. He needs to learn now that "You can't run away from your problems. Ain't no place that far." (We'll be watching Song of the South together later)

Ralph didn't do his chores. Strike one. He "got angry" and cursed at his mother when she talked to him about it--the scenario isn't clear just HOW she talked about it, but it doesn't matter very much. And finally, he ran away rather than doing the chores and facing up to the consequences of his actions.

Ralph needs to understand that running away isn't a "get out of jail free" card. Given the drama that's taken place, I doubt it will take much of a spanking to make my point.

After tears and cuddles, he can finish the chores he was supposed to do. Then (assuming homework's done), we'll watch Song of the South and have ice cream (and maybe a mint julep for me).

John Boy


Sherrif
Well, I am going to get his side of the story. I know my boy he is guilty over what he said and upsetting his Mom. I will give him a choice this one time; Grounded for three days or the spanking he was going to gut plus some.

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talebearer


Cowboy
It's a thinking spot, and maybe that's a cue to ask him what he thinks, now. Some things for him to think about, if he hasn't already, is that he has to go home at some time, I've been pulled away from work to make sure he's OK, and the chores are still waiting, as is my angry spouse. And: maybe it's better if he asks me to deal with him, since he hasn't cursed at me, and I sort of feel like hugging him, whatever else we have to transact.

It would mean a spanking, but not in his "thinking spot," maybe we have to find a quiet place further along the way home. It's a way of coming home, or at least getting me back on his side.

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Stone Man


Marshall
Lots of good answers IMHO.

Since I no longer fear for Ralph's well being, having found him at his Thinking Spot, I can empathize with him very easily. I've undoubtedly shared many of my childhood experiences with him which included my own Thinking Spot (in a tall white pine tree down by a river). When I "needed" to think I'd go there giving me and my Mom (mostly) time to cool down and think more retrospectively. I can't think of any time it avoided a spanking, but more often that not I got what I could believe I deserved rather than a knee jerk punishment.

The thing I need to remind Ralphie about is that I ALWAYS told my Mom or Dad where I was going, often by note rather than in person, so worry was not added to their anger plus if they felt the need to tan my hide they knew right where to find me.

Jkher


Trailboss
Hugs! then... "OFF with his pants king !"

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ivor


Marshall
Let's see.....

He's eleven so just maybe he has reached the point at which he isn't comfortable being spanked by his Mom. Maybe he'd prefer to be spanked by his Dad even if that means waiting until Dad gets home from work.

If that's the case we can sort the problem out, but Ralph, this wasn't the way to makee your point.

Looks like you and me have more than just talking to do.......

http://www.malespank.net/listAuthor.php?author=Ivor+slipper

MemoryMan


Sherrif
There will be no spanking from me over this.

I know Ralph well enough to know his hang outs and that implies we have a good relationship. Ralph is old enough to 'think' and reason and by the time I found him he will have had plenty of time to realise he has put himself between a rock and a hard place. That he will eventually have to go home and face his irate mother, even if it is in the back of a police car.

I am going to play the 'good cop.' I'll listen to his side of the story and then take him to a non threatening place where we can sit with some refreshments and talk through the situation and his culpability to work out a strategy for reuniting with his mother - a strategy that, if he can find the right words may avert his impending paddling.

I will promise that I will be there acting as a moderator but that if in the end she decides to go ahead and paddle him anyway that I am not going to step in and stop her - this time - but that if he believes he is getting to old to bare himself to his mother that is a separate issue and something we can address for the future.

Then we'll go home.

http://www.malespank.net/listAuthor.php?author=MemoryMan

Padraig


Trailboss
I think MM is right.

squarecutter


Sherrif
Ralph has a thinking spot at 11? Has he done this before? Did he know I knew where this was? Is it normally difficult to get him to do chores? It is a little concerning. Is he normally so scared of a paddling? We are going to have a long chat, about life, the universe, chores, and yes being polite to Mommy when she asks him to do something. Have no idea what will result but if any spanking happens it will be because I get him home in a state of mind where he thinks a spanking is needed or deserved. Under normal crcumstances it would be. I will tell him that thinking spots are great but I don't want him to use as a place to run to and to hide from things he wants to get out of. He also needs to know that Mommy was that worried she nearly called the police out.

David M. Katz


Marshall
Ditto MM!!


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1strappedboy


Sherrif
Hmmm, much to consider here.

He hasn't done his chores, cussed mum and refused a spanking by running away; quite a trifecta, this!

He has gone to his 'thinking place', and I believe this to be a good thing as it shows that he is indeed thinking. Assuming this is one of my boys, he should be thinking of a way to smooth things over with his mother; especially so for using foul language toward her.

He should also be thinking that, while I may 'go to bat' for him with his mother if she had been unreasonable, he knows rudeness to mom is a spanking offense from me.

He will not be getting the paddling he would have earned for the chores, refusal and running away as the cussing/rudeness has upped this to a stropping. At 11, you are in NO position to be using 4 letter words at your mother without a stern correction!

Jack


Admin
1strappedboy wrote:He hasn't done his chores, cussed mum and refused a spanking by running away; quite a trifecta, this!

May I point out that it never says Ralph hasn't done his chores?

And what exactly constitutes 'cursing' to my spouse?

I'm assuming that I know my spouse well enough to trust his/her judgement on this, but I've known too many people/parents/mothers who will cause an argument by expecting things that aren't true (maybe it's supposed to be his decision when chores get done, but she decided she wanted them done before he went to play), and who will also try to make themselves look less bad by building up the other persons behavior.

I'm not saying this is what happened, but I'm darn sure going to listen to Ralph, and talk out any discrepancies before I decide what I'm going to do.

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MemoryMan


Sherrif
Jack wrote:I'm not saying this is what happened, but I'm darn sure going to listen to Ralph, and talk out any discrepancies before I decide what I'm going to do.

I want my son to learn to think things through and do right things because he believes they are right, not because he'll be punished if he doesn't. At eleven he should have sufficient powers of discrimination to be able to start along this road.

Today Ralph appears not to have done this, he has made a monumental cock-up and finds himself in a deep hole of his own making. I saw this as a rare but valuable learning opportunity for me to listen to him in a non controversial atmosphere, discuss his mistakes, what he could have done better and what he may be able do now to redress things. (Even if his mother was also at fault).

Its an unfair world and even if his mother had been unreasonable, and if the consequences he feared still happen, he will be aware that with a calmer reaction to her demands he could have avoided the situation.

http://www.malespank.net/listAuthor.php?author=MemoryMan

Kat


Editor Extraordinaire
MemoryMan wrote:I want my son to learn to think things through and do right things because he believes they are right, not because he'll be punished if he doesn't. At eleven he should have sufficient powers of discrimination to be able to start along this road.

Today Ralph appears not to have done this, he has made a monumental cock-up and finds himself in a deep hole of his own making. I saw this as a rare but valuable learning opportunity for me to listen to him in a non controversial atmosphere, discuss his mistakes, what he could have done better and what he may be able do now to redress things. (Even if his mother was also at fault).

Its an unfair world and even if his mother had been unreasonable, and if the consequences he feared still happen, he will be aware that with a calmer reaction to her demands he could have avoided the situation.

I hear what you're saying, MM. I agree particularly about wanting a child who does what is right out of a sense of its rightness rather than a fear of punishment.

However, an eleven year old should never bear greater responsibility than a parent in this sort of conflict. Far too often, adults hold themselves to a much more lenient standard than they hold children. They expect a child to exercise superhuman self control, while allowing themselves the luxury of temper, for instance; or they expect absolute truthfulness from a child while they use expedient lies on a regular basis. A child internalizes what we do far more than what we say.

The world isn't always a fair place -- true -- but that doesn't mean we don't try to make a more just world within our limits. A child who has no confidence in the fairness of the adults around him will grow into a cynical and bitter adult. Parents and other authority figures owe it to children to be as fair as possible and to acknowledge their errors.

Kat

Jack


Admin
I agree with what Kat said 100%. Furthermore, I agree with what you said...

MemoryMan wrote:...Ralph appears not to have done this

To me, the relevant word is 'appears'. Before I make any decisions, I want to hear both sides of what happened. Did Ralph run away because he was afraid of being punished, or because he was being treated in a way he couldn't deal with?

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1strappedboy


Sherrif
Re the chores thing, mea culpa; I inferred that from other replies.

That being said however, Ralph has earned a strapping for his behavior. I remember well the ability of Mum to drive me to distraction and I certainly sympathize. I'm certain that I've shared enough of my growing up that he knows I can empathize.

All that being said however, the "kiss of death" comes from his swearing at mom. No matter what issues were at hand, we understood that mom was to be treated as a 'gentleman' would treat a woman and that means no cussing in her earshot and certainly not at her!!

That alone earns the strap. Hopefully afterwards we can talk about better ways of dealing.

MemoryMan


Sherrif
Kat wrote: However, an eleven year old should never bear greater responsibility than a parent in this sort of conflict. Far too often, adults hold themselves to a much more lenient standard than they hold children. They expect a child to exercise superhuman self control, while allowing themselves the luxury of temper, for instance; or they expect absolute truthfulness from a child while they use expedient lies on a regular basis. A child internalizes what we do far more than what we say.

The world isn't always a fair place -- true -- but that doesn't mean we don't try to make a more just world within our limits. A child who has no confidence in the fairness of the adults around him will grow into a cynical and bitter adult. Parents and other authority figures owe it to children to be as fair as possible and to acknowledge their errors. Kat

I agree absolutely .... BUT

My coffee shop chat would have emphasised the need for diplomacy when dealing with authority figures. A reminder that actions have consequences and that it is unwise to tell the cop who has just pulled you over that he would be better off catching "real" criminals. That you may think your boss is a cretin but you don't tell him that when he is dressing you down. Ralph wouldn't expect to get away with fingering an overbearing teacher and storming out of the classroom and today the authority figure he has abused is his mother. I have given him a strategy for mitigating the consequences but if it fails.............? Well - that's life

http://www.malespank.net/listAuthor.php?author=MemoryMan

Jack


Admin
I suppose a lot of this really comes down to how we were raised. I had to put up with a mom who would scream and yell at you, and I was punished for things... not only things that I didn't know were wrong, but for things I was told I could do, or even instructed to do.

I hope my spouse would not behave in those ways (Cathy certainly never did).

HOWEVER!

With that kind of background in mind, I tend to take things with a grain of salt. My mom could and did cuss like a sailor, yet slapped the crap out of me for saying damn. These days, I cuss almost none at all in my day to day speech, but there are times that I get embarrassed at how my mom talks.

I believe that boys should be taught to act like gentlemen, but I also think that people need to show respect if they want to get it. To me, there's a huge difference between something like 'Damn you,' and 'I'll do the damned chores later.' And what if you find out that Ralph said the second one, after your spouse told him to do the damned chores?

I'm not saying anyone is wrong in what they said. I am saying that there is more than one side to most stories, and, as a parent, it's my job to protect my child, not to support my spouse when she's wrong.

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squarecutter


Sherrif
Jack wrote:
1strappedboy wrote:He hasn't done his chores, cussed mum and refused a spanking by running away; quite a trifecta, this!

May I point out that it never says Ralph hasn't done his chores?

And what exactly constitutes 'cursing' to my spouse?

I'm assuming that I know my spouse well enough to trust his/her judgement on this, but I've known too many people/parents/mothers who will cause an argument by expecting things that aren't true (maybe it's supposed to be his decision when chores get done, but she decided she wanted them done before he went to play), and who will also try to make themselves look less bad by building up the other persons behavior.

I'm not saying this is what happened, but I'm darn sure going to listen to Ralph, and talk out any discrepancies before I decide what I'm going to do.


I think it fair that a lot of people have said that they will hear Ralph out and talk through the matters. There may well be faults on both sides but if this is a child baulking at reasonable and routine requests and then swearing at his Mum I would have a duty as a Father to point our where Ralph has erred if he has. I hope people will take an open mind into such discussions and hope that Ralph mother is not like Jacks or oothers on here. Not all of them are

JTT


Cowboy
1st thing I'm doing his hearing his side of the story while we sit down together at his thinking spot and talk about whats going on. I don't think he needs a spanking, he needs some attention and that's what I'll give him. When we go back home though he will apologize to his mom.

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