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BOTD 3/7/13 "Meanwhile, Back At The Hotel" A JohnBoy Prod.

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David M. Katz


Marshall
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HOTEL
A JohnBoy Production


You and your spouse and two sons, eleven year old Eddie and fourteen year old Teddy, are on a weekend vacation to a nearby major city to take in the sights and to attend a large car show. All is going well until you all settle in for your first night at the hotel. The family decides to watch a movie and relax. The movie selection on the TV is very limited and no one wants to see anything that is offered.

Teddy has thought to bring his lap top and a VGA cable and so, using the hotel's free wi-fi service, Teddy brings up Netflix. You and your spouse and Teddy all quickly agree on a movie but Eddie gets moody and says he doesn't want to see it. You all select several more movies but Eddie refuses all of them. Eddie starts getting very bratty over the situation and tries to take Teddy's lap top saying he wants to find a movie. Teddy does not like for his brother to bother his equipment but your spouse, in an effort to calm Eddie down, makes Teddy let Eddie use the lap top. Eddie finds a few movies he wants to see but the rest of the family does not like them and Eddie has accessed a site of questionable legality to find the movies.


Eddie - 11 and Teddy - 14
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Teddy snatches his lap top back and says that majority rules and he also doesn't want his computer used to access the questionable movie site. An all out verbal argument between Eddie and Teddy ensues and you are certain there is about to be World War 3 in your hotel room. The boys are escalating quickly and your spouse is siding with Eddie in an effort to try to defuse the situation but this is only making Teddy more angry.

How do you address this conflict?


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John Boy


Sherrif
The Answer after some people post Razz

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1strappedboy


Sherrif
Hoo-boy!! What a mess.

I think that for starters, the laptop is confiscated by dear 'ol dad. Our combatants can go to opposite corners of the room and cool down a bit. My wife/sig other and I will confer for a few minutes.

I'll bring everyone back together and we can attempt to talk this out rationally. The fact that Eddie was using a 'questionable' site has to be dealth with; nothing from this type of site will be used, end of story.

Ed and Ted will, I hope, apologize to each other for fighting now that they've had some cool down time. If so, we can try it again with the movies or perhaps find something else to do.

If the boys are still in 'combatant mode' or continue to display 'tude to me they will need more than cool down time for their emotions-they'll need it for their rears!

This is an inauspicious way to begin our trip! I hope it improves tomorrow as we enjoy the car show!!

AFinch


Sherrif
When my kids were that age, there was no such thing as a laptop or free wi-fi. We DID have a single in-car VCR, and we only had a similar event to this BOTD one time.

After asking twice for them to find a movie they could both enjoy, at the third outburst, I UNPLUGGED the VCR. They both screamed bloody murder, then apologized and begged for another chance, and finally rode the rest of the way in silence with no movie. We never had that problem again.

I'm going to handle this much the same. The biggest difference, I think, is that in this case we are talking about Teddy's laptop, which he's agreed to share with everyone else. We are also talking about Eddie accessing a site of "questionable legality", whatever that means.

So...like Dimitri, I'm confiscating the laptop first. From the scenario (which I'll grant, although I'm pretty sure "Teddy" is JB and this story is told from his POV), I'm sending both boys to opposite corners for a short time out. I'm going to tell my SO that giving into Eddie's tyranny isn't in anyone's best interest,especially not Eddie's, at least not long term.

After 5-10 minutes, I'm calling both boys back. I'm going to tell both, emphasis Eddie, that they have 2 minutes to decide on a Netflix movie they can both enjoy, or they can both go to bed. If that's the case, I'm keeping the laptop til morning, and will not expect or require Ted to share it with the rest of us the rest of the trip.

If I've been previously consistent, they will understand this for the level one communication it is, and that will be the end of the matter. If not, nothing I say will matter anyway, since Eddie will get his way. And if that's the case, I pity him once he's out of the house and has to deal with an employer or professor or anyone who isn't an overindulgent mom and a pushover dad who'll give in because it's "easier".

John Boy


Sherrif
1strappedboy wrote:Hoo-boy!! What a mess.

I think that for starters, the laptop is confiscated by dear 'ol dad. Our combatants can go to opposite corners of the room and cool down a bit. My wife/sig other and I will confer for a few minutes.

I'll bring everyone back together and we can attempt to talk this out rationally.
Ed and Ted will, I hope, apologize to each other for fighting now that they've had some cool down time. If so, we can try it again with the movies or perhaps find something else to do.


Suspect He started it!

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1strappedboy


Sherrif
Guys, I don't really care who starts it it, Im finishing it! Apologize and be decent about it or face the consequences-your choice!!!

Kat


Editor Extraordinaire
This whole mess should have been nipped in the bud. After the rest of the family had already agreed upon some choices, I would have told Eddie he could select from among them, but that is as much concession as I'd have made to him. If he couldn't be satisfied with one of the Netflix movies everyone else had agreed upon, he could entertain himself with a book or go to sleep. I can't see why I'd take away Teddy's laptop, which would only convince him that no good deed goes unpunished.

The problem with situations like this one is that all the kids involved usually end up sharing the blame -- and even the punishment -- though the responsibility for the disagreement is rarely equal. Those called on to be a referee in a dispute often fail in their responsibility by saying everyone is equally to blame. I do care who started it.

With kids, it's better to have rules in place beforehand. With choosing movies, alternate between kids and keep track of whose turn it is. Preventing the dispute is easier than settling it once it has started.

Kat

John Boy


Sherrif
Kat wrote:This whole mess should have been nipped in the bud. After the rest of the family had already agreed upon some choices, I would have told Eddie he could select from among them, but that is as much concession as I'd have made to him. If he couldn't be satisfied with one of the Netflix movies everyone else had agreed upon, he could entertain himself with a book or go to sleep. I can't see why I'd take away Teddy's laptop, which would only convince him that no good deed goes unpunished.

The problem with situations like this one is that all the kids involved usually end up sharing the blame -- and even the punishment -- though the responsibility for the disagreement is rarely equal. Those called on to be a referee in a dispute often fail in their responsibility by saying everyone is equally to blame. I do care who started it.


Kat

Ditto and Amen Kat. cheers You are truly a voice of reason

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kalico


Sherrif
Im in total agreement with Kat.....

I would never have let eddie have the laptop, he would have been made to select a movie out of the ones we all agreed upon or he could have chosen something else quiet to do while the rest of the fam watched a movie....

For the BOTD though, I will take the computer and I do like dimitri's little time out to think. Then we will come back and magority rules on a movie. I do know that Mr. Eddie will not be getting his way and if he wants to keep up the bad tude and try to ruin the night for all involved then he will be feeling some heat in his seat Embarassed Embarassed !!!!


hugs kal

Padraig


Trailboss
Well, Twisted Evil-me would spank them both, put them to bed and go out for a drink.

I love you-me would try to defuse the situation with a short timeout and movie selection by me. However, if Eddy continues...

At home, Eddy's computer (or whatever device he uses for internet access) will be turned upside down. If it will come to more than a stern talk will depend on the results.

squarecutter


Sherrif
Sounds like Eddie is used to getting his way with his Mum. Emlyn usually has a good solution for this situaton. First I will say, dodgy websites are out and it concerns me that an 11 year old would be seeking to go there. Just what might he want us to watch!. If it looks like we are having two night of this though. subject to parental veto we will have Eddie's choice from netflix tonight and Teddy's tomorrow. Neutral Although Eddy if you prefer a sore behind and an early night I can arrange that too. Evil or Very Mad

MemoryMan


Sherrif
Kat wrote

This whole mess should have been nipped in the bud. After the rest of the family had already agreed upon some choices, I would have told Eddie he could select from among them, but that is as much concession as I'd have made to him. If he couldn't be satisfied with one of the Netflix movies everyone else had agreed upon, he could entertain himself with a book or go to sleep. I can't see why I'd take away Teddy's laptop, which would only convince him that no good deed goes unpunished. (My italics)

Kier wrote

If I've been previously consistent, they will understand this for the level one communication it is, and that will be the end of the matter. If not, nothing I say will matter anyway, since Eddie will get his way. And if that's the case, I pity him once he's out of the house and has to deal with an employer or professor or anyone who isn't an overindulgent mom and a pushover dad who'll give in because it's "easier".


Amen

PS Eddie's cruisin for a ................... Mad

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Jack


Admin
"All right, both of you go to neutral corners and take a breath."

The boys are going to gripe and complain, so I'll add a couple of stingoors to move them along.

Once the boys are isolated, I'm going to calmly tell my spouse that it doesn't do any of us any good for her to support Eddie when he's wrong.

After a couple of minutes, I'll let the boys out of the corner and suggest Mom and Teddy go get us some snacks for the movie, and I will run the laptop to find movies. When they're gone, I'll tell Eddie that we want to find a movie he wants to watch, but he has to find a movie we want to watch as well. I don't want to threaten him, so I'll remind him why we're having a quiet evening tonight (big weekend, get rested, lots of fun), and that he needs to work with us, so he can enjoy the rest of the weekend (any 11-year old I've raised should see the warnings signs for his rear end - whether he heeds them or not is a different question).

Eddie and I will select five movies from Netflix (or Amazon) that interest him, but that meet my criteria as well. I'll warn him that, if he can't select five, we'll go back to selections the rest of us have already made. When Teddy and Mom get back, the rest of us will vote on which of Eddie's selections we all want to see.

If Eddie can't turn the brat mode down, he and I will probably end up asking his mom and brother to leave again, and I'll have him all tucked in and crying himself to sleep when they get back, so the rest of us can enjoy a movie.

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Jack


Admin
After reading the other responses, I have to say I agree 100% with Kat. First of all, if the laptop is Teddy's, was it really right for me to take it from him and give it to his brother? I can actually see myself doing that, as long as I thought he'd take care of it (and Teddy and I were both sitting right there), so he would have a chance to find a movie that interested him. However, as soon as he left Netflix (or Amazon), I should have put him back on track.

I think Teddy overreacted a bit by 'snatching' the laptop back from his brother, and I also think that was guaranteed to start an argument, but I don't think that was a spanking offense (I assume the 'site of questionable legality was something like Torrent or Pirate's Bay, but maybe Teddy was afraid of his brother going to an attack site).

Still, if Teddy's actions could have been a bit better, he has also shown more foresight than his parents, and he acted with a generosity I should encourage, not punish.

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John Boy


Sherrif
Two things I will add at the moment. 1. The site was for some free streaming of videos, that the way it was described set off warning flags to me. 2. His selection of movies does make it difficult to find a good one. For him if it isn't R he isn't interested most of the time. Or Paranormal/gore horror.

I can watch these at times, but I don't enjoy them. Mom is defiantly not a fan of them.

I have more, but that will come at a later time.

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Jack


Admin
John Boy wrote:For him if it isn't R he isn't interested most of the time. Or Paranormal/gore horror.

I don't think this is a fair scenario, because my 11-year old would never have had a chance to develop an interest for those things (without risking his rear). I'm invoking executive privilege, and we're going to watch Princess Bride!

And I realized, when Dad was tossing my bared bottom over his lap and raising that hairbrush, that he was really saying, 'I love you.'

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Stone Man


Marshall
The scenario being what it is, the only one in danger of a roasted rump is Eddie. Ted will be told/asked to take his computer to a neutral corner and leave his troublesome little brother to his Mom and me... or me in any case.

Not to tick off the good, reasonable, thoughtful, caring Mothers out there, but the mother of my sons is a royal pain with her constant siding with the wee one and ignorance of the negative effect is it having on the older one.

Eddie will be told that he may watch the movie which three of us have agreed upon, or read a book, or go to bed, or.... And it will also be his choice, by his actions and my interpretation of what they mean, whether he does it with a white bottom or a red one.

Twisted Evil At this point I'm hoping he wants to go with bright red. Twisted Evil

kalico


Sherrif
stone man wrote:
Not to tick off the good, reasonable, thoughtful, caring Mothers out there


Couldnt have said it better and I agree, mom is not helping!!!


hugs kal

John Boy


Sherrif
OK, real scenario.
Spoiler:
This just happened last month. We went to the Chicago Auto show, and Brat was being himself. We went shopping the first day at a mall outside of Chicago. The 3.5-4 hour car ride was horrible because he was challenging and arguing everything think that was being said or did. We get there and I am already holding back my frustration. So I suggest we split up, Dad with me Mom with Brat. He tries to "nice" me when I suggested that, but still got under my skin. We get to the hotel that night, and are trying to decide on a movie. I was being extremely flexible, Brat had either "already seen" or "this is a stupid movie" everything we came up with. He suggests a movie from a website, that I had questions about. He had already talked Mom and Dad into giving the movie a try, but after he left netflix, Dad helped me put a stop to it. IE I shut the lid to the laptop thus locking it. Then deleted the search history. Dad said we weren't watching a movie now. He lets me take my computer over to my bed, and I watch some you tube, but was a little PO at Brat. I admit I was a bit sulky but, I was just fed up with Brat. 7 o'clock rolls around and we go to Red Robin for dinner. He is once again making things miserable. Dad and I go get the car, and I tell him I have been holding back my frustration, and that several times I wanted to just strangle Brat. He goes, "I know" We get back to the hotel and I enjoy more you tube before turning in for the night, after an extra long shower to relax me from my stressful little BRAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mad

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1strappedboy


Sherrif
JB:

I think I noted in other corespondence that you are as old as my David. How old is "Brat"?
I know how hard it can be to be the big brother as I was the eldest of our clan, and of course Dave had his issues with being the eldest before I married into the family and really still on occasion will 'hit the wall' with the littles.

Now that Jeff and Ryan are 14 (the age he was when I met them), he often asks "was I this big a pain in the ass as they are?" Answer: "YES!! It's part of being a teenager; they'll grow out of it!"

Enjoy your little brother! I'm betting the situation is similar.

Dimitri

John Boy


Sherrif
He is 16, and is a king of manipulation. There is a large gap in our relationship, and it is getting bigger, each time he pulls his little (I'm gonna get my way BS) Stunt.

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Padraig


Trailboss
I'm really sorry for your relationship with your brother. That's not how it should be.

John Boy


Sherrif
Jack wrote:
John Boy wrote:For him if it isn't R he isn't interested most of the time. Or Paranormal/gore horror.

I'm invoking executive privilege, and we're going to watch Princess Bride!



Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!

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David M. Katz


Marshall
Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

Have fun storming the castle.

That word you keep saying, I don't think it means what you think it means.

He's been mostly dead all day.

Mahwidge is what bwings us togwether today.

Yeah, I saw the movie a couple of times. lol!




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David M. Katz


Marshall
Kat wrote:This whole mess should have been nipped in the bud. After the rest of the family had already agreed upon some choices, I would have told Eddie he could select from among them, but that is as much concession as I'd have made to him. If he couldn't be satisfied with one of the Netflix movies everyone else had agreed upon, he could entertain himself with a book or go to sleep. I can't see why I'd take away Teddy's laptop, which would only convince him that no good deed goes unpunished.

The problem with situations like this one is that all the kids involved usually end up sharing the blame -- and even the punishment -- though the responsibility for the disagreement is rarely equal. Those called on to be a referee in a dispute often fail in their responsibility by saying everyone is equally to blame. I do care who started it.

With kids, it's better to have rules in place beforehand. With choosing movies, alternate between kids and keep track of whose turn it is. Preventing the dispute is easier than settling it once it has started.

Kat

DITTO cat

But, Eddie is getting spanked for wearing socks with his sandals. Twisted Evil tongue tongue


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