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BOTD 05-11-2013 Nolan Says No - A DMK Production

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Skater


Bransom Postmaster
NOLAN SAYS NO
A DMK Production

Your sixteen year old son, Nolan, has not been spanked in a year and a half. It isn't that you took spanking off of the table it is that Nolan has given you no reason to punish him. However, Nolan now has his driver's license and he has been named captain of his wrestling squad at school. Nolan is feeling a bit invincible and is becoming full of his perceived self importance. As a result Nolan has allowed his chores to slip, he has been having issues with curfew and he will disappear in his truck and tell no one where he is going. You and your spouse have tried to talk to Nolan about these issues and he has verged on rudeness and has become very passive aggressive.

You asked Nolan to please mow the yard - it is his chore. Nolan ignored you and took off in his truck and was gone all morning. You had no idea where he was and he wasn't answering his cell. Nolan came home and you asked him again to please mow as you had guests coming the next day and you wanted the yard to look nice. Nolan says he can't do it because he has plans already to practice with the wrestling squad,. Nolan looks at you and says, "Do it yourself, your arms ain't broke." Nolan takes off and is gone the rest of the afternoon and evening and finally comes home at 2:00am. Nolan's curfew is midnight. You ask Nolan for his keys and send him to bed saying that you all need to discuss the problems tomorrow. Nolan says a few choice obscenities about losing his keys but stomps on off to bed.

The next morning you try to talk to Nolan but he says he doesn't want to talk. Nolan is told that he has earned a spanking and you send him to get the belt. Nolan just looks at you and says, "No, I'm not taking a spanking like some little kid. Anyway I ain't done nothing wrong."

Nolan gets up and says, "I'm going for a walk."

You try to forbid Nolan to leave but he ignores you and walks past you and out the door.

Nolan took a walk in the park and apparently did a lot of thinking. He calls you.

NOLAN - 16
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"I am sitting out in the park and have been thinking. I am ready to talk to you about what all has been going on. But, it was a long walk and I am tired. Will you come pick me up? I am sitting on a rail by the main path."

How do you respond to Nolan? When the two of you do talk what will the topic of conversation be? Are Nolan's spanking days over?


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Iconoclast


Trailboss
The plane fact is that if Nolan is captain of the wrestling team then wrestling practice does indeed have priority over cutting the lawn, or most of his other activities also. Nolan may also need the truck to give rides to other wrestlers who do not have transportation. The conversation will have to start with these ideas in mind!

Iconoclast

AFinch


Sherrif
I think you're missing the point, Icono.

If he'd done what he was asked to do earlier, he'd have finished the lawn long before wrestling practice was to begin. Nolan is suffering from a bad case of teenage entitlement syndrome.

I'm going to pick him up, and we'll talk. I want to hear what conclusions HE reached while sitting and thinking before I steer the conversation in ANY direction.

If in thinking about it, he has realized his behavior is out of line, I'm going to be more inclined towards leniency. At 16, he's of an age where most current vintage kids are long since past spankings (though not all). If he thinks he's seriously too old for that, we will find an alternative punishment. If he asks to be spanked, I'll oblige him.

After I've heard him out, I'm going to remind him that, even if he's "captain of the wrestling team", he's still ONLY sixteen, a minor, and drives only with my permission per State Law. I'm going to remind him that I am required to provide him with food, clothing, and shelter, but none of those things need to be as nice as he currently receives and to which he believes himself entitled. I'm going to make sure he knows I love him and treasure him, but I'm not going to be treated the way he has treated me and his mother the last few days--by anyone.

Depending on his attitude (I hate that word in this context, but can't think of a better one) I'm going to either be gentle and matter of fact with that conversation, or I'm going to read him the Riot Act. Unless I've failed as a parent, at this point, I'm pretty sure Nolan is going to be more affected by those words than by ANY punishment I could devise, and he will be ready, and willing, to "take his medicine" whether it's a "whuppin" or some more "grown up" punishment.

Padraig


Trailboss
you saved me a lot of typing, doc, not that I would have been able to express it so eloquently.

1strappedboy


Sherrif
One more time where we have a scenario that I ask "Is this MY son?!?"

Sadly, you captured a snippet of David, circa age 16. A bright, outgoing sporty kid who got just a snick too big for his britches. I can see this scenario all to easily as something very similar happened in our (normally) happy home. In his instance, he tried to fluff off his chores to his brothers, being 'to busy with the _____ team to worry about the stupid lawn.' I invited him into the den and he refused and stomped off. I too got the call requesting a pickup along with an apology.

The apology was what set the tone of what transpired next. He realized he was being a jerk and was ready to 'take what he had coming'.

He got 'what he had coming' and apologized to all of us; it was a case of swelled head syndrome that I think every kid gets eventually. In the BoTD, if Nolan displayed the same maturity that Dave did he's getting a dozen sharp ones with the strop and life will go on.

If Nolan decides to continue on, being what I see as being an over sized brat, I am MORE than capable of showing him in no uncertain terms that he is not too big/old for a spanking. It will be, by the way, precisely that; a spanking like a little kid. Following that, he can forget the keys to the truck I bought him and can forfeit the team Captaincy.

This item I will make a point of making happen. Any young man acting this way at home does not deserve a leadership role on the team. If I'm particularly honked off by his behavior, I may have him (the worst punishment possible) OFF THE TEAM.

I think Dave realized that would likely be the course of action I would have taken in his case, and that probably argued loudly to him to get his act together.

Stone Man


Marshall
I'm with Kier on this.

Kat


Editor Extraordinaire
I'm also with Kier. There comes a point at which physically forcing submission to corporal punishment -- even if you are able to do it -- comes at too high a price. A fight between father and son strips both of us of our dignity and turns discipline into assault. If I have raised Nolan properly, he will be ashamed of his behavior. If I haven't, it's probably too late to salvage anything from the wreck, but I will, of course, try.

Kat

ivor


Marshall
I think I was daft to threaten what I can't deliver - a spanking. At his size and with his wrestling skills there is no way I could do it without his cooperation and that isn't coming.

I'm not going to pick hm up as that really would show he has me under his thumb. He walked there so he can walk back. He might as well get used to it because he isn't going to have his truck until his attitude changes.

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David M. Katz


Marshall
DITTO to Kat and Kier!


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Pi Beta


Deputy
I'm going to go and pick him up and we're going to talk there and then. If he's contrite and accepts an appropriate punishment, I'll be driving him home to administer/organise it. If he's still unrepentant, I'm going to drive out into the country, dump him out and leave him to walk home a distance at least double what he'd walked to get to where I picked him up. He can use the walking time thinking...

squarecutter


Sherrif
I'm glad he wants to talk! Adolesceents do feel a need to kick over the traces at times but I do want to try and get inside Nolans head. As bratty as Nolan is being I do actually think that as far as spanking is concerned I very much need Nolans cooperation. Not sure I can tackle a high school wrestler!
I also don't want to get in the way of Nolans wrestling . For the behaviour though Nolan is losing his keys for a week or he can drop his pants. His choice. He can forget about wrestling too if the yard doesn't get mown. I hope Nolan and I can work with each other

Jack


Admin
"Walk on back. Your legs ain't broke."

This is another hard one to answer, because I don't believe I would have let it go this far. I also don't think I would have tried to impose corporal punishment on a boy of his age, who hadn't received it in about 18 months (discussed it as a possibility, but not imposed it with no advanced notice).

For me, Nolan should have lost his keys a while back. For whatever reason (if Nolan is my only or oldest son, I can see why I might have let this creep up on me), it has happened, so now I have to deal with it.

I probably won't be able to stop my smart ass rejoinder when he asks for a lift, but I'm also going to apologize to him for it (I hope). I'll explain to him that his recent behavior hasn't encouraged me to want to go out of my way to do favors for him, and I'll remind him that he's where he is because he directly disobeyed me.

Maybe I need to go pick him up, so the two of us can drive around and talk in a more neutral environment, though.

What's non-negotiable is that Nolan is losing his car and phone for now, and that he's going to have to start behaving like part of the family - handling his responsibilities and meeting his obligations - if he wants to earn those things back. I'm also going to point out that I feel like he's been acting like a little kid, so a childish punishment is probably appropriate, but I'm not going to force the issue.

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kalico


Sherrif
I'm with Kat and kier on this ....

I'm also with ivor and jack for having him walk back because like jack I'm probably not gonna be feeling to VERY generous not after he has been acting and treating his family.


Hugs kal

talebearer


Cowboy
Agree with Jack, esp. the last paragraph. Might also point out to Nolan that this might mean a very adult break in your relationship, no keys, fewer lifestyle subsidies, less trust. He needs to show some maturity to repair it.

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