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BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out

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1 BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 1:20 am


Allen, your new step-son, is 14"

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You've been married to his mother for since last June. You'd dated for a while before that. Your boys and her younger boys are friends, but Allen is the eldest. You and he get along very well, and you had a number of talks with him (and your sons and his brothers) before you and she decided to marry.

Your new spouse was a pretty strict disciplinarian, but she never spanked. She's not exactly against it, but she didn't feel that she could do it. Instead, she used extra chores, restrictions, and (rarely) full groundings. That seems to work pretty well, but you've always used spankings for most anything that wasn't a minor offense. After talking to your new, younger sons, and after they talked to your sons, they decided to except spankings.

Being that Allen is 14, and is actually pretty well behaved, you didn't even broach the subject. Since he's still subject to his mother's punishments, and since he's always responded to her, she's stayed in charge of him, while you've taken over most of the responsibility for the younger kids.

Today, you're getting the younger boys

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outside to play for a while. You hear arguing from the living room, which must be between Allen and his mom. You go to check on them, and are nearly flattened by Allen storming past and slamming the door to the back yard.

"Allen," your spouse called, "come back..."

You calm your spouse down and find out what happened. The two of you agree that it might be better for you to mediate, so you head out back.

Allen looks at you when you come up to him.

"I hate you," he says nonchalantly.

You're a bit surprised because you thought the two of you got along.

"She's so strict. She's always punishing me for bullshit little stuff, that you just blow off. The last time my brothers got in trouble, you just spanked them, and they were back outside playing an hour later. Do you know how long it's been since I've got to have my 3DS, just because she's always picking on me? Why didn't you want to be my dad, too?

2 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 2:44 am


"What we have here is a failure to communicate!"

I will rectify that forthwith.  Allen and I will go someplace that he likes; the mall, an ice cream shop, pizza parlor, whatever and talk.  I will explain to him why I had done as I had to this point and apologize to him for being dense/unaware of his wants and needs/preference.  Hopefully I can get him sufficiently calmed down that we can talk this over rationally and I'll let him know that if that is how he wants things to be, I am certainly willing to tan his hide for him! (Ask my Dave; 14 was certainly not 'too old')  Oh, and by the way; I still very much love you, son!

I will point out that this isn't an 'easy out' however; if I'm spanking him it is going to be age appropriate and it will hurt, though once over that closes the book on the offense.  Once we are on page we can return home and he can apologize to mom for arguing, get his DS out of the hoosegow and report to the den for whatever it was that she was chewing on him for presuming it is a spank worthy offense.

3 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 2:49 am

David M. Katz

But, I let Allen get that tattoo.  Twisted Evil 

I can see how Allen feels like he is treated differently.  In my effort to adhere to the status quo which was working I have isolated Allen.

I am going to go talk to my new spouse to find out what Allen did and then I am going to discuss giving him a spanking and why it is needed.  It is not needed as a punishment but to let Allen feel he is valued and included by me.

I feel my spouse will agree to let a spanking stand in for the restriction she assigned.

I will talk to Allen and then he and I are going to slip off to his room where he will slip off his shorts and undies.  Since this is a first time I think my hand will suffice even though he is 14.  

After Allen has had some recovery time he and I will talk.  We will institute spanking as a punishment option.  However, Allen needs to understand that my hand will most likely not be employed in the future.

(As a side note:  DIMITRI, I can't help but be reminded of Ryan's first "encounter" by this scenario.)

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

4 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 3:09 am


Like Dimitri and Katz, I'm going to take Allen somewhere and we're going to talk this out. Before we do, I'm going to speak to my spouse for her side of what just happened.

I'm going to hope that thing on his arm is a temporary tattoo. LOL. For sure, I never allowed anything else.

I'll make sure Allen knows that I DID and DO want very much to be his dad, and how much I love him. I'll make sure he knows I haven't spanked him out of deference to his age and status, and acknowledge that may have been a mistake. And having admitted that mistake, it's one I will rectify forthwith.

I'll try to make him understand that a spanking is NOT a "get out of jail free card", but I will also try to mediate so he doesn't feel so "picked on". Oldest kids are generally held to different standards than the youngers, fairly or not. Recognizing that, I'll try to make things better for everyone.

Then we'll go home. If whatever he did was spank-worthy, we'll take care of that. Otherwise, I'll concentrate on getting his grounding rescinded and his DS3 returned to him for use.

5 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 3:28 am


Humph!!  I just noticed that tat!  That alone is worth a visit to the den. Twisted Evil 

There is a bit of that, I suppose.  When Ry first arrived, he was so well behaved that I never thought it would be  an issue.  Of course we all know now that the Social Studies meltdown was driven a bit by making that a 'test case' to see whether or not he was a full member of the clan.  Interestingly, once he found out that he was sufficiently family  to his satisfaction, he's only done the redbutt firedance twice.  Once on his own and once with Jeff and Darren in a 3-fer!Rolling Eyes

6 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 3:52 am


Editor Extraordinaire
First of all, I wonder if very strict Mom is being so strict that she is, in fact, picking on Allen. A discipline system in which the parent is constantly having to punish a kid is one that is not working. He's at an age when it's really a much better thing for parents to choose their battles rather than making minor stuff, like a kid rolling his eyes, into a battle. If she's overdoing the strictness, I need to try to persuade her to loosen up. If she's overplaying the punishment card, she's setting herself up for several years of turmoil in the household, and quite possibly, permanently injuring her relationship with her son.

If Allen wants corporal punishment to be part of his discipline, I'm agreeable. Corporal punishment is a novelty to him, unlike a fourteen year old who has experienced it all his life; therefore, it probably seems less threatening and more attractive than it might otherwise. Allowing Allen a say in how he is punished will probably improve his compliance with punishments and give him a more positive attitude towards them.


7 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 5:24 am

John Boy

I think we need to sit down and discuss this. I also think that if he wants me to start dealing with him, we can start with that mouth of his.

8 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 5:49 am


Evil or Very Mad  mom must not be to strict if her son has a tat.....

Im with kat.....and also along with Dimitri, we will be leaving and going someplace just the two of us to talk this out.......
depending on what he has done to upset his mom will depend on if he is getting his first spanking from me but Im thinking we might let this one pass and start anew with discipline.

This is why I feel discipline should be the same even if it is just the one parent.......

hugs kal

9 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 6:28 am


I'll spank him if he likes...but it has to be for a spankable offence and, if it involves his mother, with her approval.  I will tell her that her little boy is growing up a little too fast and may need help to lose the tat, bling and attitude asap.  Apparently he wants a spanking, both to pay for his misdeeds and to join the fold and I'm prepared to accommodate him.  I'll explain to him that my spankings are long and hard and will likely result in tears.

10 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 11:01 am


(When I selected this pic for this scenario, I thought the tat was just more garden stuff hanging down. Even after David mentioned it, I had to go back and look several times to find it. Assume it's temporary for the scenario).

11 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 11:35 am


"I hate you," he says nonchalantly. - Yeah!  We both know that's not true.

..............  She's always punishing me for bullshit little stuff, that you just blow off........... just because she's always picking on me? ............... Why didn't you want to be my dad, too?"

It's a cry for help if ever I heard one.

I'll start by directly challenging the "hate you" comment and tell him that I do, very much, want to be his dad.  I'll explain that I believe he's not a kid any more but growing to be sensible young man and that I didn't want to just barge into his life and start spanking him whenever his mother thought he needed it.

I'll cautiously add that I do believe that at times his mother expects too much of him.  I'll offer to talk to her about it on his behalf and ask him  does he really want me to decide the form of his punishments will take as I do his little brothers.  I'll ask him would he accept me spanking him, pointing out that it would have to be bare bottomed like his brothers but that he was too old for just my hand to be an effective punishment.

I'll ask him to think about whether he accepts he should be punished in some way for today's event.  Was his mother too harsh?  Would he accept a decision from me - perhaps even a spanking - in lieu of what his mother had decided?

Then I'll leave him to think about it while I go back inside to talk to his mother.scratch

12 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 12:43 pm


Thanks for saving me a lot of typing MM Very Happy

13 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 1:30 pm


You want me to tan your bare backside?

I will explain how we thought that Allen would resent me if I started punishing him like his little brothers as he was already a teen when we married We should perhaps have asked. However I will explain that in some instances an older kid gets grounded or restricted as it has more impact on them than a spanking. I might also explain that I might have to spank Allen much harder than his brothers to achieve the impact required and that the plan would be to shift his brothers to the other methods of punishment as they get older. We want to do the right thing by Allen and had hoped I was fathering him the right way though may be we made too many assumptions about what modern teens expect. If thats the case I am all ears as it is clear that rolling restrictions are not working if Allen is continually in trouble. I am certainyly prepared to consider spanking though we would need to discuss this together with Mum as evidently Allen has little or no experience of it but clearly also, isn't a little boy anymore. In the meantime I hope Allen will start to think about the behaviour that is getting him in trouble so often. Have a care Allen. Be careful what you wish for. Moreover, your brothers may not thank you either.

14 Re: BOTD 8 Sept 2013 - Sitting It Out on Mon Sep 09, 2013 8:11 pm

Stone Man

Good answers and points addressed... ditto the lot of you.

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