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BOTD 02-06-14 You Can't Make Me - A DMK Production

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Skater


Bransom Postmaster
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!
A DMK Production

Deacon is your fifteen year old son and used to give you minimal problems and a spanking used to turn around any issues. Deacon was last spanked when he was thirteen.  Since then, just because Deacon was getting older, you would ground him if he needed a punishment.  Deacon has only been grounded twice since spankings stopped and it was for three days each time and he responded well to it.

Lately, Deacon has fallen into some unusual behavior for him.  He has become disrespectful; Deacon has not been following curfew, doing his chores nor keeping up with his school assignments and homework. You talked with and warned Deacon about the ongoing and building issues but he ignored you.  Last night when Deacon came in two hours late without calling it was the last straw.  Deacon is now grounded for the weekend.  Today is Saturday morning and Deacon has just left the house saying he is "going to go hang with the guys."  You remind him that he is grounded and why and he says to you that he is not going to be grounded and that you can't make him.


Deacon - 15
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Deacon is a big boy now but you are bigger so you could "make him" but you do not want to get into a physical confrontation with him.

How do you handle Deacon's defiance?  If you decide to resume spanking, how would you do it?


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AFinch


Sherrif
Resuming spanking WOULD be a physical confrontation under these circumstances. The scenario says I COULD make him, but I don't want to.

If that's the case, and he's ignored being grounded, the only reasonable (?) choice I have is to tell him again that he's grounded and why. I can follow that with the information that I am, by law, only required to provide him with food, shelter, and clothing--it doesn't have to be food he likes, a nice room, or clothes he wants to wear. And if he's unhappy with that, my ultimate trump card would be threatening to place him in the foster care system.

I wouldn't do that, and unless I'm prepared to put my money where my mouth is, threatening to do so is guaranteed to backfire on me. You may have seen the recent news story where parents called the police for help with a recalcitrant boy resulting in the death of the boy at the hands of the police. I'm not prepared to risk that.

He can trade his grounding for a whipping, but that's going to have to be his suggestion, and he's going to have to cooperate. Short of locking him out of the house (which is child neglect at 15), or providing him with minimal legally required care while making sure he can't go camp at a friend's house, there aren't a whole lot of options.

Is there another family member/close family friend with whom he connects who would take him for a few days in what amounts to an enforced separation from his "nuclear family unit" as a cooling off period? And the way he's acting, do I want to inflict him on someone else? (though generally kids behave far differently with others than they do with parents).

Regardless, there's big trouble in River City, and there isn't going to be any quick fix. And unless I'm ultimately prepared to play the "I'm the dad, you're the kid, I'm bigger than you are, and that's the way it is" card if reason doesn't work, there's NO fix.

John Boy


Sherrif
ditto kier

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Stone Man


Marshall
Well said, Kier.

ivor


Marshall
Sadly, nothing to add in the way of inspiration.

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MemoryMan


Sherrif
AFinch wrote:........... only required to provide him with food, shelter, and clothing--it doesn't have to be food he likes, a nice room, or clothes he wants to wear.

This sounds like the most promising starting point

I don't have to present the food as a tasty meal, or buy him new clothes, or provide him with an allowance.

Perhaps when he returns and finds no prepared meal awaiting him, that whatever electronics he has have vanished from his room and the family TV is only available to watch programmes of MY choice he may realise that I DO have ways after all and we may be able start some meaningful negotiations.

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squarecutter


Sherrif
At the moment There is little one can do but I will start by removing Deacons allowance till we receive some cooperation. No money from me till grounding served or if he prefers he cooperates in a hard thrashing with a belt. When he reaches 16 if I am still getting this attitude he will not have access to the car so will not be able to practice for a test, something I.m sure he was looking forward to. See if the inescapable facts of teen economics will bring Deacon round

Jack


Admin
I tell Deacon that I could make him if I wanted to, but that I'm not going to fight with him. However, I will also point out that he really doesn't want to have this conversation in the front yard. I will also warn him that, right now, he has a WHOLE lot of things that are privileges, not rights, and that that could change.

If he doesn't come back inside, I will tell him that each hour he's gone is one month he'll have to wait to get his driver's license. If that still doesn't work, when he comes back, he'll find his room stripped down to bare amenities.

I don't want to do this, and I'm willing to discuss changes he thinks needs to be made, but the first thing he has to understand (both as a child for whom I'm responsible, and as a young man who's going to have start in the work world soon) is that he is not in charge, and he doesn't make his own rules or decide which he will or won't obey.


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David M. Katz


Marshall
Jack wrote:I tell Deacon that I could make him if I wanted to, but that I'm not going to fight with him.  However, I will also point out that he really doesn't want to have this conversation in the front yard.  I will also warn him that, right now, he has a WHOLE lot of things that are privileges, not rights, and that that could change.

If he doesn't come back inside, I will tell him that each hour he's gone is one month he'll have to wait to get his driver's license.  If that still doesn't work, when he comes back, he'll find his room stripped down to bare amenities.

I don't want to do this, and I'm willing to discuss changes he thinks needs to be made, but the first thing he has to understand (both as a child for whom I'm responsible, and as a young man who's going to have start in the work world soon) is that he is not in charge, and he doesn't make his own rules or decide which he will or won't obey.

Excellent idea. IF it comes to me stripping him of everything but the basics (which it is possible Deacon will test me on this) earning his "stuff" back will be a slow process done one item at a time. The process of earning his "stuff" back will begin with him serving a weekend's grounding OR submitting to and cooperating with a long session between his bare bottom and that belt he is wearing.


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Jack


Admin
David M. Katz wrote:...OR submitting to and cooperating with a long session between his bare bottom and that belt he is wearing.

I think one of the reasons even my oldest kids at home still accept the occasional paddling is simply because they have a choice (and they know it's better than grounding). While I have sometimes taken that choice from them, they have the choice often enough to realize that - at least in my view - they've really screwed up, when I don't give it to them.

The honest truth is that if a kid is behaving the way Deacon is, there's probably a lot more wrong than just resisting the grounding, and what really needs to be done is to find what that root problem is. It's just that you have to get him acting in a way you can stand to be near him before you can really work on that.


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Kat


Editor Extraordinaire
I can't add much to the other answers.

Kat

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