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BOTD 6/12/14 "Custody Battle" A DMK Production

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David M. Katz


Marshall
CUSTODY BATTLE
A DMK Production

You are a divorced parent who has joint custody of your fourteen year old son, Ian. Ian primarily resides at your house. Ian is still spanked if needed and your ex does support you in this. Ian asked you if he could get his ears pierced. You told Ian no.

Ian went to spend a weekend with your ex. You go to pick Ian up and notice he is wearing earrings. He said that your ex said it was fine for him to get his ears pierced. Your ex had no idea that you had told Ian no.

IAN - 14
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What do you do?


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AFinch


Sherrif
I'm not going to spank him.

Hopefully I have a cordial enough relationship with my ex that I can talk to her--classic "if dad says no, ask mom" stuff is bad enough with healthy marriages. In divorce situations, they're even trickier. If mom is the primary custodian, I can hope she'll agree that this was a decision in which I should have also been involved, but legally, that isn't the case. I have no doubt that if Ian were my kid, in my divorce, and his mother knew I was opposed to him getting his ear pierced, that would be reason enough for her to be enthusiastically in favor of same.

I can tell Ian that I don't really appreciate him doing this kind of end run. My guess, though, is that if I'm an occasional parent, coming down hard will only make him find excuses to not visit me.

John Boy


Sherrif
AFinch wrote:I'm not going to spank him.

Hopefully I have a cordial enough relationship with my ex that I can talk to her--classic "if dad says no, ask mom" stuff is bad enough with healthy marriages.  In divorce situations, they're even trickier.  If mom is the primary custodian, I can hope she'll agree that this was a decision in which I should have also been involved, but legally, that isn't the case.  I have no doubt that if Ian were my kid, in my divorce, and his mother knew I was opposed to him getting his ear pierced, that would be reason enough for her to be enthusiastically in favor of same.

I can tell Ian that I don't really appreciate him doing this kind of end run.  My guess, though, is that if I'm an occasional parent, coming down hard will only make him find excuses to not visit me.

Ditto

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AFinch


Sherrif
I misread that. Ian primarily resides in my house.

I'm still not going to spank, and I'm still going to tell my ex that, especially as Ian primarily resides with me, she needs to consult me before making decisions that are, as Jimmy Buffett so eloquently sang "a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

I am going to tell Ian that I'm disappointed in his attempt, and (assuming I have the kind of relationship I wish I had with my ex) let him know that this was a one-off--he won't so easily manage this sort of thing again.

Stone Man


Marshall
I do have one question: was my "no" an I'm against all piercings now and forever or was this a "I might reconsider if I saw where you wanted the piercing and what you wanted there. I guess a knee jerk reaction is the term I'm looking for.

I still don't like the end run Ian pulled, and I do wish my ex had talked this over with me before granting permission, but I probably should have consulted with her too be for unilateral NO!

I probably wouldn't spank him for this. More likely I'd let him know I'm very disappointed his his sneaky way of getting around my no to his request.

A won't rule out a few hard hand swats the next time and opportunity arises, and it will be clear that they aren't the good boy/fun type stingoors that I usually give him.

kalico


Sherrif
Depending on how opposed I am to him having an earing and part of me thinks that because I said no and he went ahead and did it makes want to remove it.....its something that can be taken out not permanent....

Honestly Im more ticked off.. Mad  about the going behind my back and going to mom.....like stoney said it should have been talked about between his mother and I ....maybe that's why I said no! This is a BIG no no ....to let kids think they can play one parent against the other and should never let get started so for that he is getting a  Embarassed Embarassed  red booty.



Hugs kal

MemoryMan


Sherrif
Thank God it wasn't his nose or lip.

I'm really ticked off that he went behind by back like that but what can I do?  I can spank him - but what good will that do?

I can stop him wearing his jewellery in my presence - but I'm not with him 24-7.

No. I'll have to recognise that at 14 he's no longer a little boy and our relationship is on the cusp of a change.

I'm not going to spit my dummy out at his fait accompli but I am going to convey my deep disappointment at the devious way he went behind my back and how it has shattered the trust I have/had in him.  At the same time I'll admit that perhaps I was rather too inflexible and autocratic in issuing a bald veto instead of discussing the issue in depth with him so we could reach an agreement each having a clear understanding of the others point of view.

He can continue to wear his earrings and hopefully we'll be able to move forward from this hiccough.

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Jack


Admin
My first thought is how much this is like yesterdays: not in being an identical scenario, but in the causes.

I had kind of thought ear rings for guys were passing out of fashion, but the important thing is what he thinks, I guess.

There's no spanking from this. A good father would pick his battles and let the kids keep the earrings. You could make him take them out, but that would just make him more rebellious.

I was wrong about spanking. My first impulse it to just explain to him why it's wrong to play his parents against each other, and all he's going to accomplish in the long run is to make us distrust him no matter what he does. The only way I'd punish him for this is if it's something he's done before.


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Jack


Admin
AFinch wrote:...I'm still going to tell my ex that, especially as Ian primarily resides with me, she needs to consult me before making decisions that are, as Jimmy Buffett so eloquently sang "a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

I almost said this same thing, Kier. The problem is, (to me personally) this isn't a big deal. I know it would be for some people. What it really reminded me of was last summer, when Noah dropped about 25 bucks buying... artichoke hearts to make a salad for lunch. I got so mad at him about it. I had planned to talk to him when I'd calmed down, and tell him that he needs to talk to me before doing something he's not sure of.

Later (thankfully still before I talked to him), it occurred to me that if he'd been unsure, he would have talked to me.


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1strappedboy


Sherrif
AFinch wrote:I misread that.  Ian primarily resides in my house.

I'm still not going to spank, and I'm still going to tell my ex that, especially as Ian primarily resides with me, she needs to consult me before making decisions that are, as Jimmy Buffett so eloquently sang "a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

I am going to tell Ian that I'm disappointed in his attempt, and (assuming I have the kind of relationship I wish I had with my ex) let him know that this was a one-off--he won't so easily manage this sort of thing again.

Hear, hear!!  cheers 

Padraig


Trailboss
It's not the boy's fault, not at all. Nor is it the fault of my ex. At 14, he is old enough to have ear rings, if he want. It is my fault that I failed in explaining to him why I didn't want him to have them.

But most importantly it's not the boy's fault that we are not living thgether as a family anymore. That happens, that's life, no question. But if he is the one having to live at two homes, who am I to blame him for trying to get the best out of it? It might not even been intended, maybe they just walked past a piercing shop or the topic came up at the breakfast table or while watching TV. So if you are 14 and want something, and your mother allows it, would you say to her "but Dad said no"?

No, that is not time for punishment, but time for me to wake up and talk to my son from father to teenager. If I want him to respect me and my authority I should respect him and his wishes and choices. He is still a boy, so he still needs a lot of guidance and support, probably more than ever, as he is growing up fast.

Kat


Editor Extraordinaire
I'm with Stoney on this one. Pierced ears are easy to conceal in situations when the earrings may violate a dress code. I expect that as a parent, I not only need to stop making arbitrary and unilateral decisions but also need to choose my battles more carefully. For instance, when I tell him I don't want him getting a tattoo, I'd like to have some credibility left.

Kat

squarecutter


Sherrif
A couple of years younger I would probably spank.  It may not be a a problem however provided he doesn't put earrings on at the wrong times. However I am somewhat ticked and will tell him so that he worked this one behind my back . It will be telling in our relationship if my ex has, when I tell her, a go at Ian or me. Ian will know I am disappointed at the way he did this and the dishonesty but it just may be I needed to hear WHY he needed to do this and to explain myself better. so perhaps we all need to communicate better

Kai


Deputy
Padraig wrote:It's not the boy's fault, not at all. Nor is it the fault of my ex. At 14, he is old enough to have ear rings, if he want. It is my fault that I failed in explaining to him why I didn't want him to have them.

But most importantly it's not the boy's fault that we are not living thgether as a family anymore. That happens, that's life, no question. But if he is the one having to live at two homes, who am I to blame him for trying to get the best out of it? It might not even been intended, maybe they just walked past a piercing shop or the topic came up at the breakfast table or while watching TV. So if you are 14 and want something, and your mother allows it, would you say to her "but Dad said no"?

No, that is not time for punishment, but time for me to wake up and talk to my son from father to teenager. If I want him to respect me and my authority I should respect him and his wishes and choices. He is still a boy, so he still needs a lot of guidance and support, probably more than ever, as he is growing up fast.
DITO

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