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1 Tidwell Family on Sun Aug 21, 2016 1:28 pm

Jack

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Admin
Later, I'll link some of the threads that discuss the Tidwells. For now, I think most of my current readers know the general situation.

At this point, Mrs. Tidwell is not having any urgent, physical health problems. She is having some problems, and she is dealing with depression. Mr. Tidwell had some bereavement time off work, was able to get some vacation time arranged, and is taking a bit of personal time. While I'm not familiar with their financial situation, my feeling is that he can't afford to take a ton of time off. I think they're not paycheck to paycheck, but I don't feel like they're flush either.

Mrs. T is currently on restricted lifting, and she's having some motivational problems. There was a lot of discussion about the best way to deal with the situation, especially as school is going to be starting (tomorrow now). At one point, they were going to move, to be closer to their families and help. Chris talked to his job about changing positions so he wouldn't have to travel, but it would have resulted in a major pay cut. At this point, he has (they have) a couple of relatives who are going to come down here for a while to help out. I believe they're going to get the family resettled over the next week or so.

Until everything is settled and running again, the four school boys are going to be staying with me. I already had Perry and Evan, and Chris is bringing Chas and Lincoln by this afternoon. He'll be staying the night, and my lawn service and maid service are going to meet him in the morning to help get things back in shape, after the house has gone weeks without much attention.

Perry is not doing well right now. He's extremely mad at his mom and dad. I think he's the only one of the kids who really understands how close his mom came to not surviving, and I think he's the only one who really knows why it happened. I think he thinks they were irresponsible - something for which he'd be punished. To top that off, he's been informed that, while his aunt (?) is there to help, she gets his room, so he'll have to share with Chas and Ev. You can imagine he's not in a great mood. Actually, he's not acting up to much, but I see occasional flashes of how angry he really is. I've tried to talk to him, but he's either not ready or able to process everything yet, so I've just tried to assure him that I have some idea how he's feeling and that I'm here if/when he needs me.

In the meantime, he and John still seem to enjoy rooming together. I think football practice has been a blessing for him this last couple of weeks. It's a good way to release some tension and tire himself out.


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2 Re: Tidwell Family on Sun Aug 21, 2016 1:49 pm

Pi Beta

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RIP 9 Jan 47 - 17 June 17
Do you have a punchbag (inanimate, not human) anywhere on your manor to belt hard to relieve frustration? It's something I have suggested to teenager with anger problems - to take it out on something, not someone!

3 Re: Tidwell Family on Sun Aug 21, 2016 3:29 pm

Jack

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Pi Beta wrote:Do you have a punchbag (inanimate, not human) anywhere on your manor to belt hard to relieve frustration? It's something I have suggested to teenager with anger problems - to take it out on something, not someone!

Good idea. I'm sure Bryce wouldn't mind if Perry uses his bag station.


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4 Re: Tidwell Family on Sun Aug 21, 2016 10:25 pm

kalico

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Sherrif
Sad aw hugs for poor perry....I can totally understand his upset...his whole life lately has been turned upside down and the fact he almost lost his mom and the reasons why must be hard.

I hope thing start to get better and the family can get back to normal....HUGS to them

thanks for sharing Jack


hugs kal

5 Re: Tidwell Family on Wed Mar 22, 2017 4:46 pm

Jack

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Admin
Let me start this by going back and pointing out a couple of links.

I think the first time I had the older Tidwell boys for a prolonged time was late in 2014 - Upcoming Guests. Then they were here again last year, in July and August New/Old/New Boys.

Once again, though I mention them from time to time in other posts, and probably talk about them in chat, I fail to do proper upkeep on this kind of post (and still don't have a bio for Perry).

In the first place, I think the links I share above tell most of the non-spanking details. The spanking details of which I know are mostly in the Spankoramas and Spanking Reports.

I know that Perry got a whipping last year for 'disrespecting his mother'. I know that he and his father had a huge argument over what Chris was calling disrespect, and Perry did not getting a whipping that time. I know that Perry is helping his mom, while also taking care of school and everything. I know that he has spanked several of his brothers, as well as giving Evan (13) a whipping. Perry and I have talked about him disciplining his little brothers. I think he prefers not to do it, but there are times when it seems that him doing it is better than making them wait for Dad. I think Mom has been dealing with a lot of depression, and not wanting to get professional care for her problems. I think that she's fallen pretty far behind on homeschooling this year. I think Perry has been trying to help the younger kids where he could.

I really don't know how to say all that I just said. I have had this on screen for several hours, trying to say it all well and go into appropriate details. I'm not sure if it's me, the whole situation, or just the cognitive dissonance between how I feel about the kids and the parents.

Here's the important part, though.

Perry is graduating this year. His situation is somewhat like Christian Hogan's was, except Perry will be barely 17 when he graduates, and he isn't that interested in going away to school (at least not this year). At least in part because of his age, he will be going to school at our local U. Until he turns 18, he's putting off other decisions in regards to that.

I'm getting Perry a car - I managed to get Chris to agree to let him have it as a combination birthday/graduation present. I had to fib just a bit to get it okayed. I told Chris the cost of the car, but not that I was also going to have a lot of work done on it. It's nothing real fancy - a 2004 Dodge Intrepid - but it's not ugly, and, while it might have a lot of miles, it also has a good engine - and now new breaks, front end, and tires. This will make it a lot easier for Perry to get to school, and it can easily set all of his brothers who go to BCA, which should help his parents a lot.

Perry and I are doing well. While I'm not as religious as his parents, I had once considered preaching, and I am still familiar with the Bible. While I don't want to contradict his parents teachings and beliefs, I am willing to be a sounding board for him, and I can often help him find religious texts that help him explore the issues that he's dealing with. Just the fact that I don't try to browbeat him when he questions something goes a long way.

He's not really into comics, but he has asked about working for me. The thing is, unless things change, I really think he does need to be home, helping with his younger sibs, when he's not at school. On the other hand, he also needs time away from there and some spending money on his own, so he and I have been kicking around different ideas.

And we'll see where things go from here.


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6 Re: Tidwell Family on Wed Mar 22, 2017 10:39 pm

LLALVA

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Trailboss
Hugs Perry I love you I think his whole family needs some family therapy.

I hope everything turns fine for Perry, he is such a nice young man.

I love you

Leti

7 Re: Tidwell Family on Thu Mar 23, 2017 12:31 pm

kalico

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Sherrif
Hugs perry and I agree with Leti on the whole family needing therapy....

Happy he is doing well and has some plans and I hope he can find what he wants....

The car sounds very nice!


Hugs kal

8 Re: Tidwell Family on Thu Mar 23, 2017 4:16 pm

Jack

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Admin
I don't think there is anyway to get that family to actually accept therapy, though I do agree they need it. Mom would benefit from grief counseling, which would help the entire family, but, except for talking to a priest, I doubt it'll happen.

The car's no big deal, but I know there's no way they can afford one for him, and it really will be a huge help.


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9 Re: Tidwell Family on Wed May 24, 2017 4:05 pm

Jack

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Admin
I honestly wasn't sure whether to share this or not, but I do think it has some important information that might explain some stuff that happens, or might change how you view some of the stories. Some of this I might have mentioned before, here, elsewhere, or in chat. Some of these things I knew, some I suspected, and some I just learned.

Chris Tidwell is 37 years old. Perry is not his biological son. Mrs. Tidwell is 35, so she was just 17 when Perry was born.

Chris told me about this one Sunday afternoon, after the Gambling Incident at BCA a few weeks ago, where I filled in for him with Evan, and I wasn't happy at what I had to do.

He met his wife before Perry was two. They dated a couple of times, and he started inviting her to church. She finally went. She converted and they were married within about a year. The only rough spot (early on) is that she got pregnant as he was starting his senior year, so things were a bit rough there for a few months.

He backtracked at that point, and explained that he barely remembers his own father. It sounds like the man was one of those 'dinner on the table when I get home, so I can drink some beer and watch TV' type of people. Chris mainly remembers him being angry and yelling a lot. He's not sure exactly how long his mom was single, but she married again about the time he started high school, and he and his step-father apparently didn't get along all that well.

"The only two men I ever really felt cared about me as me were my high school football coach, and a friend's dad, who was also a preacher. When I started hanging out at his house is when I started going to church."

He became friends with the preacher's kid when he was 11 (starting sixth grade, which was middle school for him then and there), and he admits that he was getting in a fair amount of trouble for a while. He offered me the chance to go home, and when I stayed he treated me just like (his son). He ended up whupping me a lot more often and longer than (his son) ever needed it, but he never got made or gave up on me.

He also talked a bit about the coach, and how the coach not only spent a lot of time with him on football, but actually tutored him in a couple of classes to make sure he passed and did more than pass. Chris explained that he spent a lot of time at the coach's house for the tutoring and for football and sports. "He wasn't as strict with me as he was with a lot of the other players. But one time, we were at his house, and he was trying to explain geometry to me. I told him he might as well give up, because I was just too stupid to get it. Worst whipping of my life. I didn't cry though - not until afterwards when he told me that I could give up on myself, but he was never giving up on me, and he never wanted to hear me say that about myself again. Then I was bawling."

So why was he telling me all this?

"I see you doing for these kids - not just the ones who live here, but for all these kids, including mine - what they did for me. I really respect that a lot. It's obvious that you're really smart, and that you think about things a lot. When you tell me I'm doing something wrong... I just feel really horrible. I appreciate the time and attention you give our kids, and you made me feel so much better when you agreed to make sure the boys are okay if,... you know, if something happens.

"I want to do what's best for the kids, but I just didn't have much of a chance to learn the right way to raise kids. I'm doing the best I can, but I know I screw up. I try to be a good Christian, but you tell me that some of the things I learned might not be right, and you have really solid, Biblical reasons for what you say. Do you think we could maybe study together some and talk about it?"

We've met a couple of times. I'm not sure I've changed his mind about anything so far (it's hard to jump right in on the most difficult subjects), but he has agreed to ease up a bit about 'punished at school, punished at home' (at least it won't be automatic anymore).


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10 Re: Tidwell Family on Wed May 24, 2017 5:34 pm

kalico

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Sherrif
Aww poor guy but I can see he really values your help and input and it was great of him to tell you...

Hope he can relax a little .....



Hugs kal

11 Re: Tidwell Family on Wed May 24, 2017 6:33 pm

db105

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Trailboss
It's very nice that he opened his soul like that. And he certainly could do worse than listening to you. You don't have the absolute truth, but you certainly have plenty of parenting experience.

http://www.malespank.net/listAuthor.php?author=Danny

12 Re: Tidwell Family on Wed May 24, 2017 9:53 pm

Adric

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Cowboy
Jack wrote:"I see you doing for these kids - not just the ones who live here, but for all these kids, including mine - what they did for me.  I really respect that a lot.  It's obvious that you're really smart, and that you think about things a lot.  When you tell me I'm doing something wrong... I just feel really horrible.  I appreciate the time and attention you give our kids, and you made me feel so much better when you agreed to make sure the boys are okay if,... you know, if something happens.  

"I want to do what's best for the kids, but I just didn't have much of a chance to learn the right way to raise kids.  I'm doing the best I can, but I know I screw up.  I try to be a good Christian, but you tell me that some of the things I learned might not be right, and you have really solid, Biblical reasons for what you say.  Do you think we could maybe study together some and talk about it?"
That's really impressive that you got this response and admission from him.  Since he wouldn't accept anything like family counseling, you may be his best chance for cutting back the amount of chaos in his life.  He could become very reliant on you for advice, and that could be a good thing.

http://www.malespank.net/listAuthor.php?author=Adric

13 Re: Tidwell Family on Thu May 25, 2017 4:49 am

Jack

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Admin
Adric wrote:That's really impressive that you got this response and admission from him.  Since he wouldn't accept anything like family counseling, you may be his best chance for cutting back the amount of chaos in his life.  He could become very reliant on you for advice, and that could be a good thing.

I think the most important fact in this situation is that Mrs. T is a late convert who'd gotten herself into trouble before that. While she can be okay on a personal level, I think that she's pretty much a zealot, and I believe that's where a lot of the problems come from. For a lot of reasons, I believe there are a lot of Christians (and 'Christians', which is another story entirely), who are extremely rigid and unyielding these days, and I think that's going to get worse before it gets better. I also think that it's easy to justify almost everything they do, since it's 'for the good of (whomever's) soul'. However, I do think that Chris is a reasonably intelligent, caring man who wants to do what's right and is at least willing to believe he might be misinformed.


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14 Re: Tidwell Family on Thu May 25, 2017 6:31 am

AFinch

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Sherrif
Jack wrote:
Adric wrote:That's really impressive that you got this response and admission from him.  Since he wouldn't accept anything like family counseling, you may be his best chance for cutting back the amount of chaos in his life.  He could become very reliant on you for advice, and that could be a good thing.

I think the most  important fact in this situation is that Mrs. T is a late convert who'd gotten herself into trouble before that.  While she can be okay on a personal level, I think that she's pretty much a zealot, and I believe that's where a lot of the problems come from.  For a lot of reasons, I believe there are a lot of Christians (and 'Christians', which is another story entirely), who are extremely rigid and unyielding these days, and I think that's going to get worse before it gets better.  I also think that it's easy to justify almost everything they do, since it's 'for the good of (whomever's) soul'.  However, I do think that Chris is a reasonably intelligent, caring man who wants to do what's right and is at least willing to believe he might be misinformed.

I don't think that's a new or a "these days" problem.  You only have to read Hawthorne or Miller or the history of Salem, MA to realize that issue really hasn't gotten much better in over 300 years.

15 Re: Tidwell Family on Thu May 25, 2017 12:19 pm

Jack

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Admin
AFinch wrote:
Jack wrote:
Adric wrote:That's really impressive that you got this response and admission from him.  Since he wouldn't accept anything like family counseling, you may be his best chance for cutting back the amount of chaos in his life.  He could become very reliant on you for advice, and that could be a good thing.

I think the most  important fact in this situation is that Mrs. T is a late convert who'd gotten herself into trouble before that.  While she can be okay on a personal level, I think that she's pretty much a zealot, and I believe that's where a lot of the problems come from.  For a lot of reasons, I believe there are a lot of Christians (and 'Christians', which is another story entirely), who are extremely rigid and unyielding these days, and I think that's going to get worse before it gets better.  I also think that it's easy to justify almost everything they do, since it's 'for the good of (whomever's) soul'.  However, I do think that Chris is a reasonably intelligent, caring man who wants to do what's right and is at least willing to believe he might be misinformed.

I don't think that's a new or a "these days" problem.  You only have to read Hawthorne or Miller or the history of Salem, MA to realize that issue really hasn't gotten much better in over 300 years.

We might end up having to split this off, but I have to say - I think it has been better, and within my lifetime.

I think a lot of the problems we are seeing right now are a push back because of the progress we've made in a number of areas over the last 60 years or so.  Sure, some of that is actually 'progress', but a lot of good things have happened, and I believe that's why many Christians (of whatever variety and sincerity) are pushing back - because they see their way of life eroding, and they see not being able to make laws to force other people to follow their beliefs as an attack against them.

Which isn't to say there's not truth in what you say also - it has been a problem for thousands of years now. Maybe it's a cyclical thing.


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16 Re: Tidwell Family on Thu May 25, 2017 7:13 pm

handmade straps

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Kid
I agree with Chris it is great what you do for all of these kids and their parents. Over the years I have tried to help my friends and their kids the best that I can when I see a need, but I have never be lucky enough or blessed enough or what ever you want to call it to be able to help to the extent that you have, or anywhere close to the amount that you have.

Honestly it's the fact that you are willing to take the time to sure your experience and knowledge with us, and through stories, comments, chat, and messages that keeps me coming back to this site.

I myself have actually used several things that I have learned from you in raising my boys. I have also used things I have learned from to help friends that where having problems with their kids.

As far as the stuff mentioned in this thread over the last few days goes. I'm just going to leave it at this.
It doesn't matter where you met the person or even if they are religious. What matters is that when you meet a person that you connect with in someway, and that you respect. You are willing to ask for help, and they are willing to give it. People helping people that's what's important.

17 Re: Tidwell Family on Fri May 26, 2017 4:32 am

Jack

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Admin
handmade straps wrote:I myself have actually used several things that I have learned from you in raising my boys. I have also used things I have learned from to help friends that where having problems with their kids.

I really don't have any special secrets to raising kids. Just a few things that I try to keep in mind. What my method really comes down to is balancing that I'm the adult, and I have the responsibility to raise them and prepare them for adulthood, but that they are their own people, and nothing I do is any good if they don't understand why.

As for being able to help people - I'm just lucky enough to have the time and ability to do that.

Thanks for the kind thoughts.


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18 Re: Tidwell Family on Thu Jun 22, 2017 5:32 am

Jack

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Admin
I had posted a BOTD Extra yesterday involving the Tidwell family. The reaction to it really hurt and upset me. I guess some of that was my fault, because I wasn't explicit in every detail. On the other hand, it seemed like people were deliberately misinterpreting things. On the other, other hand, some people whom I trust and respect were confused, it leaves me feeling to blame. But then, when I look and the scenario said, "None of the boys had been doing their chores right..." and then people ask why Perry needed to be punished... Well, it leaves me back where I started.

What really bothers me is that the first respondent basically said, "How dare these people let their kids go hang out at a friend's house, then expect them to be able to do chores when they get home!?"

I mean, seriously? My kids are often able to go to school, come home, do other activities, homework, hang out, watch TV, have meals, get ready for bed, and STILL do chores.

Other people were making entirely unwarranted assumptions, that had no basis in fact and left me wondering where the heck they'd come from. I can only assume that maybe they'd confused different families.

Oh, and let's not forget that this is a family that has gone through a lot of tragedy the last few years. I believe that tragedy was brought on by their own conservative view of Christianity, and a world view that is skewed to say the least, but this is still a family that has had two of their last three pregnancies end in miscarriage, and then the mother almost died, and has been dealing with grief and depression. Her religious beliefs made her feel guilty for being depressed, and it took a while to find a grief councilor who could work with her within her beliefs.

Don't get me wrong. Mrs. Tidwell is not one of my favorite people, but I really like and respect her husband, and I honestly believe he does what the best he can, and he's even willing to listen and attempt to change when he might be wrong. Heck, just the fact that he's willing to admit he might be wrong makes him better than a lot of people in his position.

So, the situation is that, because of all the various troubles, the kids who have been home schooled this last year are way behind. Now that she's doing better, Mrs. Tidwell is trying to get them caught up, and they're probably going to have a foreshortened summer vacation because of that. The boys who went to BCA this past year - Perry (who's now graduated), Evan, Chas, and Linc - now have time that would normally have been involved in family activities. Because of their free time, they've been allowed to come over here more than they would have been in the past.

Remember, while I try to give the kids plenty of free time, there are also a lot of structured activities around here, especially including the morning work outs. All four of those boys are football players, and they love the conditioning and training we do here. They are often here first thing in the morning and stay all day. There are times that the Tidwell boys will arrive as my boys are finishing their morning chores. They will help set up breakfast, jump in the pool for a bit, put on their work out stuff, grab some breakfast, then get set up and going on the training. There are also days that they might be here until dinner time, which means they're sometimes here 10 and 11 hours a day.

While that bothers their mom, Chris (their Dad) stepped in and said it was okay, as long as they kept up with their chores.

They didn't.

As I said in the scenario, the boys were reminded, there were a couple of days when they weren't allowed to come (or not until chores were done), and they were specifically warned that if their behavior continued, they would be punished.

Now, I don't know all the chores that each boy has to do, but what I've heard doesn't sound that unreasonable. They do keep some chickens, and I know they have work with that. These four boys are four of the five oldest kids, and they're expected to do most of the yard work. I do know that all of them except Lincoln are expected to do their own laundry, and I know they're expected to keep their rooms to standards.

Besides that, Perry works for me, but that's his choice. His parents give him a bit of money for gas, to compensate for the errands he does for them, and I've paid his insurance and phone, as his birthday and graduation presents, but he'll have to cover most of his expenses when he wants to go out and stuff. I believe he's been relieved of some of his other chores, and the only other thing I know of is - once school starts, he'll be responsible for dropping the other boys at BCA before getting to his own classes. To deal with that, he's avoiding 8am classes, which really isn't that hard at his level.

The real trouble is that the boys have still had time to do their chores when they get home, but they've had a long day and they're tired, and maybe the take longer and play around a bit and everything doesn't get done. From what Chris has told me, I would have spanked them all before he did, but he doesn't use a strict three strikes (though he has talked to me about my system since then).

Finally, Chris went through the list of stuff that was supposed to be done, and more than one thing was not done correctly (if at all). The boys had been warned, and they were spanked (Lincoln) or whipped (Chas and Ev), and set to doing their chores. For now, Chris has to approve the chores due the day before, else the boys can't leave the next day until they're all done. The boys are supposed to be coming over this morning for swimming and Scouting, so we'll see how things have gone when my boys were in chat.

As for Perry - as I said in the scenario, Perry is 17 now, but also a high school graduate, but he's also a strong believer in family and parental authority. This past year has been a real challenge for him in a lot of ways, and he's grown, but I don't think he's always been happy about it. Let me remind you that Chris is not his biological father, and Perry knows that, but he loves and respects Chris, and that's made things even harder. The two of them are trying to define their adult relationship right now, but Perry is also not ready to be an adult (not completely, and that's by his own admission). And so, when something comes up between them that they can't resolve, not without risking a fight that might hurt both of them, they come to me, because they know I have a lot of similar beliefs and standards, and because they know I'll try hard to be strict but fair - and they both agree that's needed.

In this case, Perry is not only the oldest, and the one expected to be most mature and responsible, but he's also the driver. If there was a case of one of his brothers just refusing to leave, it would be a totally different situation, but it wasn't. Perry was staying over here all day, except when he had to work, and he was allowing his brothers to stay. His own chores weren't being done they way the should as well, and he was privy to the warnings, so he should have been leaving earlier or making sure everyone's chores were getting done. When it came to me, Perry was not only in trouble for not doing his own chores, but for enabling the younger kids and being a bad example.

Perry and I had a long talk about that - how much was he responsible for them.

It was a hard decision for me, because I don't consider chores a huge deal, but they did have a couple of warnings what was going to happen.

Most of this went on with phone and e-mail, but Monday evening, Chris came over with all four boys. That's when Perry and I had our talk.

It's hard to balance a lot of things, but I finally decided to give Perry four swats, bare, with the medium Lexan for his own problems. He'd agreed that, even though he's not responsible for making sure his brothers do all their chores (maybe moreso Lincoln, but Chas and Ev are old enough they should be responsible for themselves), but he is the driver, and he knows what was going on, so he was remiss in not getting them home earlier, or taking them without being sure everything was done. We added three more swats - one for each brother.

Six swats with the Lexan is pretty serious, but I've had boys survive a lot more. Perry did take them well (he's a tough kid), but 7 pushed him to his limits. After that, I let him put his boxers back on, and he had to go out and apologize to his dad and brothers. Of course, he was forgiven, and the little brothers apologized to him as well.

With that cleared, and the new policy in place, we're just waiting to get back to the regular routine.


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19 Re: Tidwell Family on Thu Jun 22, 2017 7:27 am

AFinch

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Sherrif
I never even saw the BOTD extra, and don't see it now.

20 Re: Tidwell Family on Thu Jun 22, 2017 10:32 am

db105

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Trailboss
Well, I'm glad you could be a mediator and solve the situation in a way that everyone could live with.

Having to look for a mediator to solve their family problems is not ideal, but it's a very complex family situation.

So, when you talk about a new policy, what does that consist of?

http://www.malespank.net/listAuthor.php?author=Danny

21 Re: Tidwell Family on Thu Jun 22, 2017 11:34 am

kalico

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Sherrif
Like I said in chat I think your fair and I know you try hard to get to the bottom of things before hand and I think y'all did what was right and now maybe things will settle and get into a routine.....


Hugs kal

22 Re: Tidwell Family on Thu Jun 22, 2017 12:55 pm

Jack

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Admin
db105 wrote:Having to look for a mediator to solve their family problems is not ideal, but it's a very complex family situation.

It's not that they need a mediator for everything. It's just that Perry isn't ready to be an adult yet, but he's not still a kid either, and both of them are having to feel their way carefully. I think what it really is is that they love and respect each other very much, and they're trying hard NOT to hurt each other.

db105 wrote:So, when you talk about a new policy, what does that consist of?

It was mentioned in the post - Chris (or Mrs. T, I suppose) has to check and approve their chores before they're allowed to come over here. If they don't get them finished, they just don't get to come. And that means if one boy isn't finished, and his brothers don't want to wait, he might miss the entire day.


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23 Re: Tidwell Family on Thu Jun 22, 2017 5:21 pm

Jack

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AFinch wrote:I never even saw the BOTD extra, and don't see it now.

Apparently it was so badly written that no one understood the situation, and there were some responses that really pissed me off - so bad that I'm still considering leaving the forum. I just know what I'm like, so I'm trying to give it some time instead of making an impulsive decision.


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