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BOTD 6/11/17 "A Change of Circumstances?" A memory Man Production

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David M. Katz

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Marshall
A Change of Circumstances?
A Memory Man Production

You have two sons, Sam 8, and Eric 7.  They are both good kids, gregarious but mischievous too, thus from time to time their pants need to come down for the duration of some summary correction across your lap.


Sam - 8 and Eric - 7
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Two weeks ago you gained a third son.  You formally adopted 7yo Kevin after three years of fostering.  Your boys have welcomed him, absorbed him into your family group and the trio have formed a close bond.

Kevin - 7
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Kevin's bio parents had been charged and sentenced for child cruelty three years ago. When Kevin was removed from his abusive home and placed in your care he was a cowed timid and bruised little boy almost too frightened to move.  Since then he has gradually gained confidence and started to blossom largely as your boys, who initially were sorry for him, befriended him.

Wary of reviving old demons you have never punished Kevin physically, not even when the three get into trouble together and you spank your two.  Even though so young Sam and Eric have understood your reasons and have no problem with Kevin being treated differently to them.  Kevin too is aware that your boys get spanked - and that it is not the end of the world for them.  He has never witnessed you spanking them but he can't have failed to have overheard it.

You are away on a family holiday and the boys have got into trouble together, Sam and Eric have both been skelped, have finished their crying and, with a stern warning, gone off to play again.  You have grounded Kevin for the rest of the day and he has been sitting around moping for over an hour.  Finally he comes you.

"Dad!  Sam and Eric are my real brothers now.  Why can't I be just like them?"

YOU.................???


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Jack

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This is a boring, long-winded answer. You might want to wait until later to bother reading it.

Spoiler:


Real world answer - it's my understanding that, in all 50 US states, there are either rules or laws prohibiting the use of corporal punishment with foster children. While I observe those rules with a wink and a nod (and the knowing support of at least the family judge and some members of CPS), I also understand the general reasons for them. One of those reasons is someone like Kevin.

In Texas, when you adopt a foster child, you sign an agreement not to use CP, but once the adoption is complete, it's up to the parent. I don't know about the laws elsewhere.

As for myself, I can't see how I kept using CP with my own children, but not with Kevin, when the situation is so similar, and I'm lucky my guys are so understanding. I also hate using restrictions with younger kids, exactly because it begins to seem like torture, because of their short attention span.

With all of that in the balance, I think I'm going to discuss my fears with Kevin, making sure to let him know that I'm very proud of the changes that he's made since living with us, and that I'm scared of effecting him negatively by doing something else. However, if he really wants to try it (and I think this probably does have at least as much to do with really being 'one of the family' as it does with hating his restriction), then I will try a relatively mild punishment with him - enough so he obviously has a sore bottom, but not too hard. We'll discuss things with him and see what he thinks afterwards, and we might consider it in the future.


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Peter_Z

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Wrangler
I think I would give him my reasons in a way he could understand.

But if he still want to be treated in the same way as his brothers even when it comes to punishment I would give him in private the same spanking as his brothers got. Maybe a bit less severe but in principle the same.
Then I would tell him that I will ask him tomorrow evening again, if he still want to be handled in the same way as his brothers.
Hope he still says with yes.

Adric

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Cowboy
David M. Katz wrote:... You have grounded Kevin for the rest of the day and he has been sitting around moping for over an hour.  Finally he comes you.

"Dad!  Sam and Eric are my real brothers now.  Why can't I be just like them?"

YOU.................???

I've read Jack's hidden discourse and I basically agree with that course of action.

Kevin has had plenty of time to interact with his brothers and learn as much as he can about spanking without actually getting one.  I'll have a talk with Kevin to make sure he really means it when he says he wants to be treated like his brothers, and then I will give him a mild spanking while talking him through it and watching for any signs of panic.  That will get him out of his grounding for today, and I'll talk with him again afterward to comfort him and congratulate him and make sure he is still on board with the idea.



Last edited by Adric on Sun Jun 11, 2017 5:39 am; edited 1 time in total

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18Smacked

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Cowboy
I concur with Jack's spoiler response. It is sound, reasoned and logical.

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AFinch

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Sherrif
I agree with Jack. I know I'm not going to be abusive, and Kevin clearly wants to be part of the family. I'm going to oblige him.

squarecutter

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Sherrif
Before the spoiler

I am wondering if the others others have discussed their spankings with Kevin. May be he feels he could cope in the light of the overly severe treatment he's received. Like peter says he deserves a full explanation of why I havent spanked him. But, I do wonder if grounding a little boy of 7 for a whole day when his "brothers" punishment is over,, tears dried and they're back out playing is almost worse. He's come to me with this which suggests he is learning to trust again. Presumably I am aware of how Kevin was "punished." may be with an implement which I could easily avoid using. If it was a belt then belt would not be used ever If the others get handspankings only I can spank Kevin the same way but I think I should then avoid implements altogther for all and switch to grounding when they are all older. I think its time to turn to Uncle Jack with his experience of taking in abused boys

Kat

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Editor Extraordinaire
I'd think if I've had Kevin several years and he is aware his brothers are spanked but hasn't found that knowledge traumatic -- even hearing the spankings -- he is probably okay with receiving the same punishment. I'll watch for any signs the spanking is taking him back to bad memories and stop if I deem it for the best.

Kat

ivor

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Marshall
I'll go along with Kat.

What happened to Kevin was half his lifetime ago, although I suspect the memories of hi abuse may never leave him. Against that he knows his brothers have been spanked and he's very probably seen the results which he knows were nothing like he sustained.

I think we have to give it a try, but I have to be prepared to stop if I think it is bringing back bad memories for him.

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handmade straps

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Wrangler
I agree with Jack. Most the time it is hard to argue with his logic, but I think that's do in part to him having more "sons" than anyone else here.

Jack

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Admin
Off topic, but...

handmade straps wrote:I agree with Jack. Most the time it is hard to  argue with his logic, but I think that's do in part to him having more "sons" than anyone else here.

I find that, over the last 8 years or so, I have changed my views on a lot of things; some of them were pretty minor changes, some were a bit bigger. Now, that was true even before hand (the way I raised Steve, and the way I raised Barry and the twins were already fairly different). However, I really think the big difference over these last eight years is not the number of kids I've had, but this forum. Not only have I been able to see a lot of other people's opinions, often able to discuss issues with them, but I've had to stop an think about what I'm doing, not just to the point of being able to write it, but to the point of discussing and sometimes defending my actions.

I've heard is said that you don't really know what you think about something until you're able to express your thoughts on that matter The time since I started this forum has been one long examination of my parenting views, as I write these things down.


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MemoryMan

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Sherrif
I believe the consensus has it.

In my case I think I'd take this serendipitous opportunity to discuss punishment with Kevin, find out what he "knows" of his brothers punishments and get him to say directly that that is what he wants.

Assuming so I'll tell him how proud I am of him for the way he's moved on after the cruel experiences of his early life.  Then I'll pull down his pants to give him two stinging slaps as a sample before sending him out to join his brothers with the promise that next time he gets into trouble with one or both of them he can watch the ensuing spanking and then decide if he is brave enough to go next.

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Zyngaru

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Wrangler
"Dad! Sam and Eric are my real brothers now. Why can't I be just like them?"


Kevin answered the question.

He wants to be one of the brothers. He doesn't want to be treated different. He wants to belong and as long as you treat him different he will feel he is different and not one of the boys.

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